Let go of the idea that things could have happened differently, as if this life is a Choose Your Own Adventure book and you simply turned to the wrong page.  You did the best you could with what you knew and felt at the time.” ~ Maggie Smith  

What a profound statement. And so true. I did the best I could with what I had. Doesn’t that explain a lot about this life? I was speaking with someone today and talking about how every, single, thing in our lives leads us to become who we are today. God already knows the outcome. That is crazy for me to think about. It’s almost like, since you know why don’t you just tell me. Tell me how it ends. Tell me if I’m going in the wrong direction. Tell me if I end up alone or if I have a partner for life. Aren’t these all things we wish we could know? If we knew the end, would it be worth going through the other chapters of our life? Living, loving, losing, babies, death all instances that make us who we are. If we skip those steps, will we be who we are right now at this moment? Will we be someone different? I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately. My legacy. I am happier with myself now more than I have ever been. I am in a relationship with a man who I know was sent from God. A prayer that I have prayed for so many years. Giving up hope. Thinking I was undeserving of love. If I hadn’t been through the past chapters of my life, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am so thankful. I have a wonderful son, a great relationship with his dad, I have my family with me, what more could I ask for? I guess I’m just curious of who I may have become. Would I still be as empathetic as I am today? Would I still love everyone with my whole heart? Or would I be mean, un-caring, a witch, a person that no one wants to be around? I am so proud of who I am. Of the family that helped raise me. All of them, not just immediate but extended as well. I have learned so much from family. Not to take it for granted. To love the one’s we have while we have them. I think of my Granny and Aunt Scootie. They were sisters who were so close. Every single picture I have of them, they are holding hands. The Sister’s certainly helped shape my life. All of them offering something different. The relationships that they had was incredible. They were always there for each other, always visiting each other, sitting and listening to each other. Sunday lunch at Big Mama’s with the whole clan (and that was not a small number at all) There was “Scootie, Granny, Sister, Bonnie Jean, BobTail, Tiny, and Charlie Boy” So take all of those siblings and add their families and that was Sunday dinner at Big Mama’s. They all had so many trials that they fought through and overcame. I like to think that I get some of my strength from them. They were all so present in my life. They all called me Lisha, always dropping the “E” and it was perfectly fine. I loved it. I miss them all so much. I miss the family gatherings that have faded away with time. The beauty of social media is being able to keep in touch, but not physically. If I had not been raised with all of them as role models, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I am finally proud of me for overcoming the obstacles that led me to be this person. I am a wonderful mother, “there has never been any doubt about that in my mind, I have a great one that I learned from” I sometimes question whether I am a good daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, friend. I only hope that as I’m continuing to grow, that I will remember all the good times, good lessons, and good food that was had through out my life. I can only aspire to be as good as those that have gone before me.

How do you know when sharing your feelings is too much too soon? Should we hide how we feel? I’m torn. I know that no one is promised tomorrow and goodness knows I want the people I love and care about to know that, but what if you share too much and it scares the other person? What if they don’t feel the same way? I am so in my head right now. I don’t know if my interpretation of things are what they really are. What if I’m reading too much into it? Seeing what I want to see? I hate that. I hate the not knowing. The thinking that I’ve ruined a great thing. As much confidence as I have right now, I am also still scared. I am still wondering what now. I am still finding myself in my dark cave at times, especially when I overthink, but I don’t know how not to. I don’t know how to now question. Question my every action, my ever word, my every move, it’s exhausting. How do you trust what you see, what you feel, your instincts? How do you know when to stay quiet and sit in your feelings all by yourself? Are we supposed to suppress our feelings or are we supposed to share them as we feel them? Is there an answer? I really need to know the way that this is supposed to go. Is there such a thing as self-sabotaging? That you feel like you are on the precipice of getting exactly what you want, what you have prayed for and then the emotions become too much. You feel like you don’t deserve it; that it is too good to be true. I thought I was past this feeling, this overthinking everything. I have made so many mistakes in my life. So many things that I feel shame for. So many things that I wish I could erase, but if I erased them would I be me? Would I turn into this person that I am? I am so tired of not trusting. Of questioning everything. Just want to believe what I’m being told. I want to take everything as it is. I want to be normal. I shared something from the heart to someone. I don’t know how they feel about it, I don’t know if it was too much. I want to believe that I did the right thing, but I am literally sick to my stomach. Wondering. Guessing. Stressing. Overthinking. You name it, I’m feeling it. I really thought I was over this part of my thinking. That I was truly moving forward. I think I am, but right now I’m wondering if I’m self-sabotaging myself on purpose because I feel I don’t deserve it. Will that feeling of not being enough ever go away, or is it something that you struggle with your whole life? Does everyone feel like me and just handle it better? I’m not even sure what this mumbo jumbo is, but I needed to put it out there, maybe if it’s out there I’ll be able to handle the feeling better. Things are going really great here with me, yet I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I’ll learn to just let go and enjoy the moment. I guess I can start that now. Coming out of the dark certainly has it’s challenges.

Have you ever wondered how you would react if your prayers were answered, and you got what you had been hoping and praying for? I am sitting in that position right now. I am elated, thankful, it’s been a long-time prayer and I will say I didn’t wait very patiently. God provided, again, as he always does. I’m terrified to believe it could true, and if it is true, can I handle it? Am I ready for it? I must be if God has presented it to me. I must admit I’m scared. Scared of opening my heart all the way for fear that it will be shattered. Scared of rearranging my whole life only to have it fall apart, but what is life if we don’t take risks? If we don’t follow our hearts? Isn’t that how you find happiness? Opening yourself up for whatever may come? I wish I could explain the joy that I have along with the fear. It’s a weird combination. Elation mixed with fire. I’ve always thought I was too old to start over. To find love. To find companionship. But here it is, waiting for me to jump in. I am not an adrenaline junky, so waiting to jump is like standing on the edge of a cliff, unable to see the bottom, and everyone expecting me to close my eyes and jump. To trust that there is a bottom or a safety net to catch me. I am not very good at that. My first instinct is to verify 100% there is a safety net. Going against my natural reactions. It is time to learn to let go of that fear, of that safety net, but how? Do you just close your eyes and jump, arms spread wide, flying through the air? Do you smile knowing that for once, you are believing in yourself and your judgement? Knowing that you are finally stepping off the edge and making a life for yourself with someone else? Allowing someone else into the deepest, darkest corners of your life. What if they don’t like what they see in the corners and they decide to leave. Could I handle that? I don’t know, that is where the fear comes in. If I find myself shattered on the floor again, will I be able to get up this time? My heart says dive in, my head says tread carefully, my heart says it doesn’t matter what your head thinks, you already know how you feel. And it’s true. I’m already in deep water, and even though it’s scary, it’s also exciting. To be able to swim again, to fully submerge is a blessing, it certainly beats just walking on the sand. It doesn’t mean that I am 100% positive this is it, but I feel pretty confident. Coming out of the dark isn’t so bad after all.

“It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us” ~ Marianne Willamson…….WOW! This hit me hard when I heard it this morning. What revelation! I fear the things that will make me happy is how I interpreted it. I do believe that is a true statement for me. It is scary to think you might actually get what you’ve prayed for. It’s hard to go from “always waiting for the other shoe to drop” to just being in the light, being happy. I wonder why that is? Is it because when you have bad things happen you always expect them to happen? I am tired of that mindset; I am ready to be light. I am ready to walk in my light and to share my light with others. I am ready to be happy, to watch my prayers be answered in whatever way God chooses to answer them. What a blessing it is to just be here. Today is Good Friday, and what better time to talk about being in the light? As I ponder over this quote, many things come to mind. I heard someone say, “they dimmed their light for so long trying to fit in.” I feel that, too. I don’t think I dimmed my light personally, but I feel like I have been afraid of the light. The darkness is familiar. I do feel like I have tried to force myself to fit in even when I don’t. Trying to be someone other than who I am because I didn’t think I was enough. I like myself right now. I like who I am in this moment of my life. I wonder if I would be where I am if I hadn’t gone through everything I have survived. I don’t think so. I think I would have made different choices in my life. I would have probably had a different career, different everything. It’s weird to think about who I might have been, because right now I’m trying to find who I am right now. That is no small feat to try and learn who you are, especially now that I’m in my 40’s. Most people have figured out who they are by their mid to late 20’s. I do believe we evolve with time and age. Our adult experiences shape us just as much as our childhood experiences do. Maybe it’s because we have more experience in life. We understand things a little better. Maybe realize that life isn’t fair, but understand that statement because we’ve lived it, through heartbreak, death, losing a job, losing a child, losing a parent. All things that are unfair. All things that we learn and grow from. I will be the first to tell you that growing is hard and painful. I don’t think you can really grow without hardships. How we deal with those hardships says a lot about who we are and what we stand for. What our boundaries are. What our morals are. What ethics we choose to follow. Everything that shapes us into the person we are meant to become. I always wonder if I am the person that God intended me to be. I know that he knows everything before we do, but since there is free will, do we somehow change what he had originally planned? I ponder that sometimes. I don’t dwell on the “why ME’s” but I do wonder if he knew I would be this person, right now. I will probably never know the answer to that, and that’s ok. For now, I am letting my light shine and trying not to be afraid.

I am a whole person. I have worked really hard on myself the past year and I realized on Sunday, while talking with someone, that I am a whole person. I am not a victim; I am a survivor. Does that mean that I am happy every single day? Absolutely not, I have bad days and dark days, but I know that I am not a half person. I am a whole person. I didn’t realize that until Sunday. I’ve always thought of myself as a non-normalperson. Half of a person. I’ve always tried so hard to be whole, but I don’t’ know of a time in my life that I’ve ever felt whole like I do now. Lots of therapy, lots of reflection, lots of prayer, and the prayers of others for me, have helped me get here. I’m still going to have bad days, sad days, angry days…… but I finally believe that this tooshall pass, and it won’t last forever. I can’t explain the happiness in my heart to be where I am right now. To be the person I am right now. What a revelation!! It has taken me most of my adult life to try and figure out my baggage and how to deal with it. I’m happy for once. Of course, I’ve been happy in other times in my life, but those werefleeting moments. Some lasted longer than others, but they were happy. I am smiling more, now. Even at home, by myself with my fur babies, I find myself smiling. It’s something that I can’t explain. Right now, I am so close to having exactly what I’ve dreamed of, and to be honest, it is absolutely terrifying, some days, I still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I’m learning. Trust has become something that I have to do, but I’m not sure how. The walls that I have are strong, btu they are softening. The question is, should I let them all down? Now that I’m whole, should I jump headfirst and enjoy the moments and days that I have? I’m tired of holding myself back in fear. I feel like that is something that would lessen my wholeness if I kept worrying about it. My trust issues run very, very deep, yet I tend to be all in or not in at all. I have a hard time finding the middle ground. I find that so strange considering the walls that I have. It makes absolutely no sense! As I am continuing to grow and learn to love myself and other’s again, I am trying to believe what I am being told, to accept the kindness that is being given, to not rely on words but to rely on actions. Actions are always better than words. In this time of technology, I’ve become so accustomed to instant response/gratification that it makes me question myself and the other person. Again, abandonment fear creeping in. The devil trying to convince me that I am not good enough, that I am not worthy. I am trying hard to get that little devil off my shoulder and to remind myself that he is a liar. That I am worthy of good things. All things I am working on. I may be a whole person, but I still have lots of work to do.

Sometimes words fail me, funny I know, but they do. Sometimes, I can’t think of the right thing to say or wonder if there is a right thing to say. I am a terrible communicator in relationships. I am always afraid that if I express my displeasure, my anger, my fears that the person on the other end will leave. I’m not exactly sure when that fear came into my life, but it’s been there for as long as I can remember. That fear of abandonment and doing everything in my power to keep the people I love in my life at all costs. Obviously, it doesn’t work, hence my divorce, but that is still a thought process I am working through. I am working so hard at teaching myself to relearn behaviors. To not shut down when I feel threatened or embarrassed or criticized. I am a work in progress. I think we all are, but I am more self-conscious of it I think. I know what my flaws are, and I am trying to embrace them. I am trying to work towards bettering myself and becoming a person that I would want to be with. I hate that I am needy. That I need daily, verbal affirmations. I hate that I can’t just take what I feel, what is being shown to me daily and not question if things have changed in that other person’s mind. I think that is one of the things I hate most about myself. That I am not confident to think that someone would want me in their life just because of who I am right now. I always feel like I need to change in some way, but better, talk better, stay quieter, make myself invisible. If I’m invisible maybe they won’t notice my flaws. Even as he is proving to me daily that I am what he wants, I try to downplay it and wonder what I can do to make myself better, more attractive, non-embarrassing. Now mind you, these are all my feelings and not at all things that have been expressed to me. It goes back to 45 years of learned behavior and trying to teach myself to un-learn that behavior. It’s a catch-22 for me. I believe everything I’m told, but when I get away from the situation, I start to question it. Did he really mean it, what if he really doesn’t want me here but doesn’t know how to tell me? What if I actually annoy him? What if, what if, what it……. The what ifs are going to be the death of me. I try so hard not to compare myself to other women. We are all made differently, and we are all exactly how God wants us to be but that doesn’t stop me from comparing myself to other moms. For example, I have a mom friend who happens to be The Boy’s best friend’s mom. She is gorgeous, super thin, all her ducks in a row, someone that doesn’t embarrass her children by the way she looks. I, on the other hand, feel that I am an embarrassment to the boy. Most of the other mom’s are thin and beautiful. And then there is me, not so much. Fat, ugly ugh! I hate feeling this way and questioning myself. I know that the boy doesn’t feel that way, trust me he would say so if he did, he’s never been one to mince his words. I also wouldn’t have a boyfriend to who adores me. Why are we always so much harder on ourselves than other people are on us? Why can’t I take what I know to be fact and not question it? Not wonder if that person really means what they say? Is that something that comes with time or is it that my past has taught me that this is true so I can’t shake it. How do I let go of this insecurity after so many years and not let it ruin something that is supposed to be beautiful, fun, exciting? I don’t have the answers. I don’t think anyone has the answers, but I do know that I am aware of my insecurity, so that makes it easier to actively try and work on. Life isn’t always easy, but in the end, it’s always worth it.

Today I am feeling very insecure. I have a terrible pit in the middle of my stomach. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because things appear to be going well right now and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing has ever been this easy before, that means it must end, right? Even though things appear to be going in the right direction, they appear to be exactly what I want, that means it’s not what it appears to be, right? This is a feeling I know well, and I absolutely hate it. And I hate myself for feeling this way. What has caused me to feel this way? What has caused me to feel that I don’t deserve good things? Am I always going to feel this way? Am I always going to question the good in my life? Am I always going to assume the worst and overthink everything? How do I break that cycle? I want to enjoy the good, I want to expect good, I want to believe what I am being told, but I am having a hard time doing that today. Nothing has happened any differently than any other day, but for some reason I just can’t shake this terrible feeling. Is this my way of protecting myself? Never believing in the happy ending. Always expecting it to end and my heart to break? Is this something that everyone feels or is it unique to me? Have I finally found the person who can overlook all those flaws and still like me? I feel like I have, but that’s where the overthinking comes in, the constant questioning. I am doing that today. Dissecting every word, every action, every single thing that has been said or done. Nothing indicates bad, except my thoughts and my stomach. At what point will my heart, head, and stomach be in sync? I hate feeling like this, I hate the way it makes me questions everything. I hate it. It makes me sad, it makes me want to crawl into bed and not wake up. It sends me spiraling to the dark cave. It takes the light out. It makes me feel like I am feeling my way along those damp, slimy cave walls, trying to find my way to the light again. Isn’t it crazy how one teeny, tiny nagging thought can change your entire being? I wish I wasn’t like this. I hate myself for this. I hate that I take something that is good and normal and turn it into something else. I don’t know how not to do this. I just want to be normal.

You are what you surround yourself with. I’ve never understood that statement until recently. In the past 2 years, I have seen myself go from a very sad, anxious, walking bundle of nerves, angry person to a happy, healthy, all-in, participating person. My environment dictated who I was. I was in 2 extremely toxic work environments, and even though I was mature and had been in the workforce for 30 years, it still affected my everyday mood and feelings. I’ve always been someone who took what was being said to them to heart, good and bad, but mostly bad. I always internalized the bad, dwelled on it, tried to figure out why it made me bad or did it make me bad. Very seldom did I believe the good. I would always say thank you, but…… never fully accepting the compliment that was being given. I never believed it, why would I? I was recently told to “let go of the past, quit looking back, look forward, that’s all that matters now.” What a groundbreaking sentence for me. I have always, always let my past define who I am now, but I am slowly realizing I am not my past. I am who I am because of my past, but that doesn’t mean that I have to carry that with me into other relationships. I have learned a lot through out my years, and I have become a better person for everything I have been through. It has made me strong, reliable, loyal, honest to a fault, kind, respectful of other’s feelings, empathetic, and it has given me a beautiful soul. Does the soul shine through all the ugliness? Does it overlook the overweight, unattractive person that I am? Does it give me a different sort of beauty? I hope so. I want people to know that I am a kind soul, an old soul. And with that soul comes love and laughter and light. I want to be someone that others gravitate towards naturally, that brings happiness to other people. I think that if I put out light I will get light back in return. They say that things happen when you least expect them to, and that is true in my case. I have a wonderful person in my life right now that is more than I ever thought I deserved. My issue again is staying in the past, looking at the past, referring to the past. The past is not something that I want to bring into this relationship. I want to remember the past obviously, it taught me a lot. But I am ready to let that go. I am ready to start over. To reset, to forget the bad and stop thinking of the bad as something that defines me. To stop thinking that everything that has happened before will happen again. I want to be open; I want to learn how to communicate better and stop thinking that if I give my opinion or it I get mad that the person will leave and abandon me. Abandonment is something that I have feared my entire life, dating back to my first memories/feelings. That is something I do not know how to just let go of. I do know that there has to be a way that I can keep that fear from letting me live my life. To know that I am worthy of good things, that not everyone leaves, and that even if they do, and I end up alone, I will be ok. It’s a mindset. A mindset that I am working really hard on. I’m also working on not shutting down when things appear bad. When I think someone is mad at me, even if there is no reason to be mad. Those are things that are going to take patience from the person who chooses to be in my life. Could this be him, I don’t know, but I hope so.

“Don’t stop. Don’t hesitate. You can’t be scared of what’s next. Do not let fear get in your way. That’s why we don’t operate alone. So in the cases where somebody actually does get hurt, nobody has to go through it alone.” This is a quote from one of my favorite TV shows, but it holds so much truth as it relates to life, or at least my life at the moment. There are so many ways for us to get hurt, but is it better if we don’t even try, if we don’t love or take chances? That would make for a very lonely and boring life. When your heart is hurting, you think you are dying. The pain is so severe, you feel as if you can’t possibly move on. It isn’t until much later that you are able to look back on the hurt and find the joy that happened before the hurt. I can look back on my marriage now, and see all the wonderful things we did. All the things we accomplished together, the trips we took, the memories we made and shared. I can talk about all of those things now with a smile on my face. They aren’t near as painful as they were. They have a fondness for me. A feeling of growing, maturing, becoming a wife and a mother. Learning how to coexist with another human being, which is a fate within itself. At the time of the demise of my marriage, the last thing I could do was look back on our life together and see the good. You see, at the time, my heart was breaking. I was so broken that I couldn’t see past my own heartbreak to try and see any good that had come of that relationship. Blaming myself for not being enough for him to want to stay, but not seeing my own “faults” at the time. Now that so many years have passed, I can look back and see that we were both still growing and learning. I had so much baggage that I brought into the marriage, in my defense I didn’t know that I had unhandled baggage until lots of years and hours of therapy later. I think as young kids, which most of us were when we got married, we are so caught up in the newness of the love, the attention from your partner, the always wanting to be together, that we forget to look past that and see what it may be like in 10 years. I know that some people have that feeling for their whole marriage, but I think a majority of us lose it at some point. I gained so many wonderful things from that relationship, the most important being The Boy. As I’ve grown since then, I have had other heartbreaks, none as strong as that one but I think that’s because I’ve walled off a portion of my heart. I have lost a few relationships, most of which weren’t romantic. Sometimes, you have to let people go who are not good for your mental health, and sometimes people let you go for what seems to be no reason at all. At this point in my life, the quote above brings so much truth to me. I have so much fear, yet I refuse to let that get in my way of something that could be beautiful. I’ve always heard that “flowers need rain to grow”. That is absolutely true, and I think it brings truth to relationships. Not every relationship is going to be sunny, but every relationship can benefit from the rain. I’m not good in the “rain”, I rightfully admit that. I have a tendance to pull away and shut down when I feel like I am being criticized or think that someone is angry at me. I do know this about myself, again hours of therapy, and am trying to work on the fight or flight instinct. To realize that just because someone gets mad, doesn’t mean they are going to leave, that those are actually the times you grow. It’s kind of funny, because the only time I don’t really “shut down” is with family. And that is because I feel like they “have to love me no matter what.” I wish I could feel like that in other relationships. To have that sense of confidence in the feelings of others, especially when they have expressed those feelings. I read somewhere that “an overthinker needs to be with a great communicator” and I had an A-ha moment. That definitely spoke to my heart. I need someone who can communicate there thoughts and feelings to me in a way that I can understand that yes they are upset, but no they aren’t leaving. Sometimes my communication skills are lacking, I admit, but they are more so when I feel scared. Scared to say the wrong thing, scared to be the wrong thing, scared to do the wrong thing. Are we ever able to let go of past hurts to grow into something more beautiful and confident? Are we destined to always be that person who fears rejection, abandonment, and aloneness? I hope not. I hope that a rainbow comes around soon, because I am coming out of the dark.

Why is it so hard for me to believe what someone tells me? To stop always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it because I have had so much happen to me and so many who did not tell me the truth of their feelings/actions? I so badly want to be confident in myself and now take what someone says to be truth if that is their intent, to not question every day if they meant it or to worry that they have changed their mind in some way. How long do you have to be with someone to learn to trust what they tell you and that they mean what they say? I am so confident/believing in the moment, but if it isn’t reinforced the next day and the next day and the next day, I start to question it. That isn’t fair to me, nor is it fair to the person on the other end. As someone who always assumes the worst, this is an area in my life that I really, really need to work on. I guess the question is, how do you deprogram your brain? How do you learn to fully trust again? Is it just a choice we make? I think the “waiting on the other shoe to drop” mentality I put into place to protect myself, to protect my heart? The funny thing is, even with questioning, I still get let down or hurt if it does happen to go the worst way imaginable. You would think that with age, we learn how to totally let things go. We would know what’s important and what’s not. We would be content with our life and to let things that are meant to happen, happen. I feel like that has been true for me in some sense. I feel greatly confidant in areas of my life in regard to my work, my parenting, my job as sister, daughter, aunt, but in the personal sense, I have zero confidence. I do not feel as if I am pretty enough for someone to want to share their life with me, worthy enough to have a partner in my life. I know that I have so much to give, but I don’t feel like that is enough. At what point do we ever truly accept ourselves? Do we ever truly accept who we are and accept our station in life, whatever it may be? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “No one can love you until you love yourself’ or “No one can make you happy unless you make you happy”. I do know that in the past 6-7 months, I feel changed. I feel like I am different, like I am living in the sunlight and not in the dark cave, but I do feel the darkness still, lurking around the corning, waiting to overtake me at any moment. That darkness is the part of my brain that has me questioning the intentions of others. Questioning if they are sincere. As harmless as it seems on my side, I bet it doesn’t feel harmless to the other person. Always being questioned about the feelings/things they have shared. It would be a sign of mistrust on my part. It is not fair to punish someone for the actions of another person, but how do you let go and just be in the moment. I love to say day by day, but I don’t know that I honestly do that in every aspect of my life. I do in a lot of things during my day; getting through work, keeping my spirits up, but in my absolute personal life, I cannot seem to do that. It is going to take a very strong, forgiving, understanding man to handle all my insecurities. To be able to help me trust completely again, although I wonder if that is even possible. It is such a weird feeling. To be in the moment and to trust completely, but to get away from the situation a day later, not getting what I consider to be affirmation and losing all hope/trust in the previous day’s activities. I know that it isn’t fair, and I know that I am really, really hard to love these days, but I ask that you love me anyway; that you try to get to know me and possibly love me at some point should things go that way, that you try to remember as my friend that I am trying so hard every day to change, be better, to learn to trust with my whole heart again, to take things as they come and enjoy it while I’m in the moment.