You would think as someone with my trust issues, I wouldn’t fall so hard for someone. You would think I would guard my heart, but it’s the exact opposite. For some reason, God gave me the trait of love and empathy. I think those are wonderful, yet painful, traits to have. It is easy for me to love. It is easy for me to give my all to someone and expect it to last forever. Even though I don’t believe so much in “forever” anymore, I do still expect some sort of it and believe that every relationship, romantic or friendship, is going to be forever. What makes us believe that? I have a long history of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am in need of constant reassurance and communication. If you’re with me, I need you to tell me that you are, every day. Maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation, but that is what I need to be comfortable. That is what I need to know that everything is ok. Someone asked me recently what itwas about my marriage that made me secure, hoping that it was something I could carry over into other relationships. I told her it was the ring. You see, in my mind that ring, that promise,meant forever, good or bad. I was young and naïve at that time, but that was the truth. It never occurred to me that marriages ended, that people fell out of love. That was a hard lesson. I’m not sure I believe in that anymore, maybe that’s why I can’t keep a relationship. Maybe I am too needy and need too much reassurance, but that’s not something I can change. I have tried really hard, but it doesn’t stop my ability to give my whole self and my whole heart. That’s what is weird. I don’t believe in forever, yet I love like it’s going to be forever. Maybe I am someone that comes into other people’s lives to remind them that love is good and when they know that they can leave me and move forward with their lives knowing that love exists. Me, on the other hand, am left with the pieces of my heart, trying to put them back together again like a puzzle. Each time with more pieces and much harder to put back together. They say that God gives everyone a special gift. Maybe that’ my special gift, reminding people of what love feels and looks like. I accept that gift, but I really would like someone to show me the gift of forever. Forever alone doesn’t sound too good. For now, I’m going to nurse this broken heart of mine and see if I can figure out how to put it back together again.

As I sit here today, I am fighting tears. I opened myself up. I was vulnerable. I gave myself to another, again. And again, I am alone. Am I hard to love? I don’t think I am, but the fact that I can’t keep anyone in my life leads me to believe otherwise. I am the common denominator. I am too much. I honestly thought that there was someone that matched me. Whose soul was akin to my own…… but it turns out that my insecurity and abandonment issues are too much for anyone. I can’t believe I was so stupid as to share my heart again. Bonnie Raitt has a song that I have long adored…. I can’t make you love me…. It has a heartbreaking lyric that I have long since identified with. “You can’t make your heart feel, something it won’t.” The magnitude of those words is heavy. Wouldn’t life be so much better if we could make the people we love, love us back? Would there be less divorce, more love? Wouldn’t the world be a better place overall? I know the saying “it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” I have contemplated that statement so much over my life, and I have a love-hate relationship with it. I think it hits different in every relationship and different ways for everyone. I think if you are widowed, then it absolutely is better, but if someone willing leaves you it’s just not worth it. It’s not worth opening you heart and having in trampled on for no reason. Sure, there were good times and happy times but that is now all clouded by hurt. All I’m looking for is a way to escape the pain, to numb it, to go back to before the day I met him when I was happy and content. Now there is a hole in my life, a hole in my heart, a hole so big that I can’t breathe. My brain is consumed with thoughts of what-if’s, what did I do wrong, what should I have done instead? Why am I too much for someone? You know how most people have grand dreams for their life? My grand dream was a family. I wanted the very boring, unpopular for these times, house, husband, kids, dogs. For whatever reason, it has been deemed that I am not worthy of that dream, and that’s ok, it just hurts really bad. It was so nice to have someone in my corner, someone who checked on me, who I could talk to about my day, who wanted me around. Life isn’t fair, and I more than anyone, know that, but I honestly thought it was my time for something good. That’s the thing with me, though. I don’t do anything halfway; I am all in or all out. That is my superpower, love and empathy beyond 100%, which typically leads to a lot of heartache. Grief is a funny thing; it comes in all shapes and forms. There are times that you don’t think you will survive, but you look back and realize you did survive. I am currently in the “I’m not sure I will survive” phase of grief, but I know that I will, I always do, it’s just so hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.

How do you stop the voices in your head? The one’s that tell you everything is falling apart. The one’s that tell you that now that you have what you want, you’re going to lose it? That you aren’t good enough for what you have now? I honestly thought that I was past this insecurity. I have been working hard on myself and on the inner dialogue I have with myself, yet lately, the only dialogue that has been playing on repeat is the one of old. It keeps telling me that no one will want to spend their life with me, that I am unlovable, that everyone will eventually leave. That is the burden I carry every day. The burden of thinking I’m unworthy and easily discarded. I know that everyone struggles with some sort of insecurity about their worth, we’re all human, but how do other’s change the narrative in their heads? How do they realize that yes, they are worthy, yes they deserve love and happiness? How do they trust what their partner is telling them? I would love to have that kind of confidence. To be able to let go of these voices in my head. I literally see the devil on one shoulder, the angel on the other shoulder analogy from tv. Except in my case, it’s not about doing something wrong, it’s what I tell myself. That inner voice telling me my worth, or lack thereof. I can go several months thinking I have conquered the world (voices) but then they creep back in and I have a hard time fighting them. I know all the things to tell myself, I am a daughter of the King, I am made in His image, I am exactly who He made me to be, but that doesn’t stop the negative voices that are on repeat in my head. The ones that appear to be on a permanent shuffle. Like a cassette tape that is constantly on play, both the A&B side, playing over and over and over again. What’s the secret? How do others overcome this? Is there some secret method that I don’t know about? How do I learn to let go of past hurts that feed into this inner dialogue that my brain has? I have struggled with this my entire life. I don’t recall a time in my life that I have ever felt confident in who I was and what I brought to the table. Whether it be how I looked, where my heart was, or they type of person that I am. I know that I am a wonderful person and I have a good heart. I am kind and generous. I am a wonderful confidant and a great listener. I have tons of life experience that I know helps others on occasion…… but behind all that is the voice that tells me that isn’t enough. That tells me that the way I look doesn’t equal societies version of beautiful. That tells me that I am not enough for someone to want to stay. That tells me that I am meant to walk through life alone, sad. I know it sounds ridiculous; it sounds ridiculous to me when others confess the same thing to me about themselves. Especially when I see how wonderful they are, but I don’t know how to change the dialogue with myself. I am a continuous work in progress, but I would love to turn this narrative off completely. Maybe one day I will believe in myself enough to do just that.

How do you “be there” for someone you love that is going through something unimaginable? There isn’t anything you can do to make it easier, there isn’t anything you can do to ease thatpain, all you can do is listen and pray. It doesn’t feel like enough. It feels like a cop out; a way to remove yourself from the situation. I feel guilty for the relationship that we’ve builtand the relationship that isn’t like ours that is about to go away. I feel like that person in some way resents me for the love and the relationship that we share. When that person is faced with an unimaginable situation and a decision that no one should ever make, I feel guilty. Guilty that we are close, that we love each other, that we have an amazing relationship; knowing that I may be the reason the other relationship didn’t flourish. The reason the other person doesn’t want to talk to me about it. I certainly don’t have any answers to help or to alleviate the pain, but I want to be there for that person. I just don’t really know how. I’m not sure how to reach out at this point. I’ve always been the one with the answers. The one who can make situations better by listening and providing an ear and life experience. I have no experience with this situation; no way to make it better. I have nothing but a sense of despair, of helplessness. A sense of not being in control. I still struggle with anxiety when things are out of control. I have a desperate sense to be with this person, to take away the hurt and the pain, but not able to do so. What if this person resents me now? How do I come back from that? What do I do to make that turn back to love and not resentment? Am I completely overthinking things again? Is my presence just a reminder that I’m not the other person? That I’ve taken that other person’s place not by choice, but by accident? Do I love too big? Do I expect too much out of other people? How do I comfort and love and be in the moment of pain with this loved one when I can’t directly correlate with the pain, but can empathize to the degree of feeling what they are feeling? I’m not sure how to do that, but I do know that I want to be the person that they turn too. The person that can lend the shoulder, to use my position of older and wiser to comfort them. To lend my strength when they have none. To be able to carry the burden in its entirety as they adjust and make decisions that no one wants to make. I don’t know how to do that, though. Which leads me back to my original statement….. can listening and praying be enough to help someone you love? Is it enough to let them know you are there when they are ready to let you help with the burden that weighs them down? Is love enough?

I am a chronic overthinker. I feel like every time I get close to someone, and I share my feelings with them, they will get mad and leave. I’ve never been good at sharing my feelings or opinions, I’ve always kept them inside, which is very dangerous. I am trying really hard to do better, but that has come with a lot of insecurity. I can’t seem to let go of my over apologizing, even if there isn’t anything to apologize for, even if I did nothing wrong. If I think I have upset you or made you mad in any way, I will apologize until the cows come home so that things will go back to normal. My rational brain realizes this is ridiculous and not healthy, my irrational brain proceeds to make me, sometimes, look like an idiot to the other person because I won’t stop trying to make them unmad at me. I’ve done this my whole life. I’ve always gotten sick to my stomach when I think someone I love is mad or upset at me. It’s a terrible flaw. It causes me such anxiety, and the thing is, it shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t feel this way for expressing my opinion or that I’m mad or upset. Let me be clear, for the most part, I make myself feel this way the other person doesn’t make me feel like this. My abandonment issues just will not go away. I’ve had them for 45 years, you would think I would know how to get rid ofthat feeling, but I don’t. They have the same significance today as when I first started having them all those years ago. My rational brain realizes that if someone leaves me because of how I feel they aren’t supposed to be in my life, while my irrational brain says that I’ve done something terrible. This is where my communication skills become lacking. I tend to hold things in, pretend that everything is ok or, become super quiet, not engaging at all. Neither of those are healthy ways to deal with feelings, and they certainly aren’t healthy for relationships, friendship or romantic. These feelings make me extremely insecure. It strips away all the confidence I have built up in myself over the past year. Maybe one day I will learn how to let go of the overthinking, the worrying, the extra stress I cause myself, and just be half-way normal. Until then, I will continue to try and communicate and not let my thinking go haywire. Wish me luck.

 

 

“Songs and smells will bring you back to a moment in time more than anything else. It’s amazing how much can be conjured with a few notes of a song or a solitary whiff of a room. A song you didn’t even pay attention to at the time, a place that you didn’t even know had a particular smell.”

This is so true for me. I am a lyricist. I relate to words more than anything else. Words are beautiful and sad and heartbreaking and funny and happy and so many other things. They can take you back to a specific place in time. The past, a dream you had, a person that was there with you that is no longer here. What a beautiful thing to have. I have so much to say yet nothing to say at all. Things I want to say but am scared to say. Songs can say it for me. Lyrics are poignant. Some lyrics haunt your soul and others make you dance. I can’t imagine a world without music. A world where there was nothing to say. Music is used for so many things. We use it to worship, to cry, to be happy, to dance, to alleviate the silence. A single lyric can take you back in time, to something you had forgotten. What a wonderful thing to have something that helps us hold our memories. Something that remembers when we can’t or don’t. Something to remind us of a time that had beenforgotten, whether it be bad or good. It’s good to remember, even if it’s painful. That pain helped shape who we are today. It’s good to remember the good times. The time you were in college and your favorite song came on, so you got up and danced alone in your living room. Or to remember a long-lost friend. A day that brought you so much happiness even though it ended in sorrow. Words have so much power, whether they are spoken, sung, written….. They touch a part of every single person. Words tend to penetrate deep inside of us and sometimes have way more power than they need too. Do songs speak to you? Do they make you close your eyes and take you somewhere other than where you are? Do they make you think of that special someone? Do they make you get up and dance? Do they make you worship? It takes someone special to write songs. They have a gift of communication that some of us don’t have the power to have. They have a way of saying all the things. For me, they give me all the feels. They can make me cry, laugh, sing-along, dance, worship. Memories are our window to the past. Sometimes they are to happier days and sometimes they are to sad days, days we wish we could forget. Songs are the conduit to some of those memories. How lucky are we, that we get to experience music? That we have something so wonderful, to say what we are afraid to say? To feel like we aren’t so alone in this world, that someone else feels the way we feel. It’s all about togetherness. Another way that we can feel less alone. Music is forever and I am so grateful for it.

Does anyone else self-sabotage? Things start going really welland you don’t think you truly deserve the happiness and contentment that has come your way so you un-intentially self-sabotage. I’ve realized that I do that. Not because I want to, Lord knows happiness is what we all strive for, but I think subconsciously I think I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve good things. I start to get paranoid in my relationships, seeing things that aren’t there. Thinking things that aren’t true. Why do I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy? Does everyone feel this way at some point? How do I consciously not self-sabotage? I want to be with this man, I want him in every aspect of my life and he wants me in his. So why am I trying to ruin that? Why am I seeing things and thinking things that aren’t true? How do I learn to love myself so completely that I will realize that other people love me, too? I’ve come so far from where I’ve been. I like myself so much more that I ever have, yet it still doesn’t appear to be enough. I’m still learning. Learning to love myself, learning to trust, learning to let go of my anxiety. It’s all so hard, and I am so lucky to have a very patient man. A man who can talk me out of my crazy and remind me that he isn’t going anywhere. A man that has met me where I am and not tried to change me; Who has held me when I needed it and shown me compassion? Who shows me every day with his actions what his words don’t say? Actions always speak louder than words. My goal at this point is to not blow it. To take things as they come and to enjoy every minute with this amazing man. No more self-sabotaging. No more pushing away. I go back to met me where I am, and how amazing that is; how hard it is to find someone who will meet you where you are and not judge you. Who will lift you up, who will show you great kindness and love. Who will encourage you to grow and who will grow with me. A man who listens to my crazy thoughts and reminds me they are just thoughts, they aren’t real. If you are lucky enough to find someone who will meet you where you are, who will show you every day that he wants to be with you, hold on to him and don’t self-sabotage. I promise life will be better with him. Coming out of the dark is starting to look more like coming into the light.

Is there a limit to happiness? Is it possible to be happier today than you were yesterday? I know that happiness ebbs and flows like a river, so does sadness, but can you ever be too happy? Do you ever think to yourself “I don’t deserve to be this happy?” I do. Almost every day. When the prayer’s you have been praying for so many years are answered, it’s like Christmas every day. Happiness is the ultimate goal. When you find that happiness, that answered prayer, cherish it, write it down, remember it when you’re in the valley. Remember that God is always faithful we just can’t always see it. I have cried so many tears over these prayers that I thought went unanswered. That I thought God had forgotten me, but in reality, he was preparing me for it. I wasn’t ready for it then. I wasn’t ready for it when I was crying out so desperately. I think we have to be ready to receive what God gives us. I had to find myself, had to find out who I was. That has taken a lot of tears and a lot of work; painful work. Trying to go through years and layers of hurt, trying to deal with the emotions of it all, is sometimes excruciating. It took me a long time to decide I wanted to actually go through that pain. Give me physical pain over emotional pain any day of the week. With physical pain, you know exactly where it hurts. With emotional pain, it hurts everywhere, all the time. There is never any relief for emotional pain. You have to sit in it, feel it, let it wash over you, then you can begin processing it. So many things in our life we would just like to forget. Erase it from our memory and also any type of shame associated with it if there is any. A lot of my emotional wounds have shame attached to them. Most of them do. Shame is a bear all in itself. That to me is the worst emotional pain. Feeling guilty for something that I’ve done or something that was out of my control. I want to crawl under a rock, in a hole, and die rather than face up to that shame. The definition of shame is : “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Since shame is only supposed to be associated with something that was done “on purpose”, why do others actions make us feel shame? Why do we feel shame for things that are out of our control? I don’t like talking or thinking about anything that is embarrassing or shameful. I prefer to lock that away into that box in the corner of my brain. I know that eventually, that feeling has to be dealt with, I have to sit in it….. the shame, the loneliness, in order to let it go. That is so hard. I’m not ready to do that with all of it yet, not ready to open Pandora’s box. At some point I will have to, but for now, I’m locking it away in my box and enjoying my happiness. I’m enjoying my life….. my job, my teenager, my boyfriend, my family and friends. I’m reminding myself everyday that God is good and he is faithful, always. I’m not dreading the day anymore. I’m anxious to start it. Excited to see what the day holds for me. It sure beats not wanting to wake up. Coming out of the dark is hard, but worth it.

I’m feeling kind of insecure lately. You know how when things are new and fresh and knowing 100% that someone is definitely into you, but as time goes on and things become “normal” you start to wonder, well at least I do, if that feeling for the other person has changed for you? It’s a stupid feeling and it makes no sense. There is evidence that they definitely want you around, but why does it make me start to become more self-conscious, more insecure? Insecurity pushes people away; it makes them feel like they are doing something wrong. If you deal with insecurity, how do you tame it? How do you tell yourself the positive things only? This has been a struggle my entire life. I always want to look my 100% best, look attractive, wear my best clothes, always with makeup, and the truth is he doesn’t care so why do I? I’m being myself, always, but the insecurity always creeps in. At this point, I’m looking for a partner, not someone for fun. He’s looking for he same. So why am I questioning it? I’ve been this way my entire life. Never feeling good enough, always feeling less than other women I’m around. I see all of their good qualities, thin, beautiful eyes, lips, high cheekbones, perfect hair. Before I met my guy, I had decided to grow my gray out, it is too much to keep dying it. I am now questioning that decision. Will I look like an old lady, will he still find me attractive? The good news is my hair is so long it’s going to take a while. But should I change my mind just because of the insecurity that I have? I have started intermittent fasting to see if I can lose some of my weight. My dr recommended it, so I am eating only between 2pm-8pm and fasting for 18 hours. I’m also allowing myself one cup of coffee a day and a soda if needed, but then only water, all day every day. I got myself a 32 oz mason jar and take it with me everywhere. We did do blood work to check my hormone levels and that could very well be it as well. Guess I’ll find out when the results come back. I guess my question is, for those of you who love yourselves, how do you do it? How do you let go of your insecurities and what other people think, and love yourself completely? I’d love to know your secret. At 45, I feel I should be in that place, but I am so not in that place. I know that I am made in God’s image and he made be beautiful, I just don’t believe it. Slowly working on it one day at a time.

I’ve been sitting here all day thinking about The Boy. He is growing up, has a girlfriend who is wonderful, driving, doing his own thing. As I think about that, I wonder if I did a good job. Was I, on some level, an emotional burden to him because I never took care of my mental health; because I didn’t have anyone to talk to but him? Has that harmed his mental health? I have tried so very hard to make things so normal from him since he is from a “broken-home”. I think his dad and I have done a fantastic job coparenting. I do not question that; I know that we never talked ill of each other or used him as a weapon. I think that is a testimony all in itself. We have done everything that could have been done to make this “broken-home” normal. But it is still broken, and I’m sure it has affected him. I just wish I knew how. He was 3 when we divorced. He doesn’t even remember us ever living together. It’s been hard, and I’m sure it’s hard been hard for him being shuffled even though we have done our best to make it as easy as possible. I am so worried that there will be some lasting effect of the divorce on him. I am scared that he may feel emotionally neglected, or worse that he is responsible for me. How do I know that he is going to be okay? That I have done everything in my power to make sure that he has had a good childhood, that he has been taken care of emotionally, physically. That he will be able to be a contributing member of society and not need therapy because of me. Therapy is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to be the reason that he had to have it. That I have slighted him in some way because of my mental health. That is my fear. That is what I am currently worried about. Lord knows I pray for him everyday and ask God to protect him and surround him with good friends, to help him make good choices, and to cover him with His feathers. Along with some other things. I pray to be a good mother, a good role model, someone that he knows he can come to with any problem and not have to worry about getting in trouble. That I have taught him how to treat people, women, the elderly, coworkers, classmates, anyone that he is surrounded by. That he can be an advocate for kindness. That kindness is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone else. That it is okay to make mistakes because that is how we learn. How do I know if I have done this? How do I know that he isn’t feeling burdened by me? That he knows that I am responsible for him not the other way around? I am so worried that I haven’t done my job as his mom. That I haven’t been the best version of myself for him; That I was a good mom to him. How will I ever know the answer to any of these questions? Does every mom worry about these things? I know that I am super in tuned to it because of my 2 years of hell as I call it. The worst 2 years of my life, that really tested my mental health and my reluctance to stay in this world at times. How do I know that the worst 2 years of my life aren’t the worst 2 years of his life? Have a damaged his wonderful, sweet, precious soul? I guess there really isn’t anyway to know what damage has or hasn’t been done. These are the questions that keep me up at night…..