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Is there a limit to happiness? Is it possible to be happier today than you were yesterday? I know that happiness ebbs and flows like a river, so does sadness, but can you ever be too happy? Do you ever think to yourself “I don’t deserve to be this happy?” I do. Almost every day. When the prayer’s you have been praying for so many years are answered, it’s like Christmas every day. Happiness is the ultimate goal. When you find that happiness, that answered prayer, cherish it, write it down, remember it when you’re in the valley. Remember that God is always faithful we just can’t always see it. I have cried so many tears over these prayers that I thought went unanswered. That I thought God had forgotten me, but in reality, he was preparing me for it. I wasn’t ready for it then. I wasn’t ready for it when I was crying out so desperately. I think we have to be ready to receive what God gives us. I had to find myself, had to find out who I was. That has taken a lot of tears and a lot of work; painful work. Trying to go through years and layers of hurt, trying to deal with the emotions of it all, is sometimes excruciating. It took me a long time to decide I wanted to actually go through that pain. Give me physical pain over emotional pain any day of the week. With physical pain, you know exactly where it hurts. With emotional pain, it hurts everywhere, all the time. There is never any relief for emotional pain. You have to sit in it, feel it, let it wash over you, then you can begin processing it. So many things in our life we would just like to forget. Erase it from our memory and also any type of shame associated with it if there is any. A lot of my emotional wounds have shame attached to them. Most of them do. Shame is a bear all in itself. That to me is the worst emotional pain. Feeling guilty for something that I’ve done or something that was out of my control. I want to crawl under a rock, in a hole, and die rather than face up to that shame. The definition of shame is : “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Since shame is only supposed to be associated with something that was done “on purpose”, why do others actions make us feel shame? Why do we feel shame for things that are out of our control? I don’t like talking or thinking about anything that is embarrassing or shameful. I prefer to lock that away into that box in the corner of my brain. I know that eventually, that feeling has to be dealt with, I have to sit in it….. the shame, the loneliness, in order to let it go. That is so hard. I’m not ready to do that with all of it yet, not ready to open Pandora’s box. At some point I will have to, but for now, I’m locking it away in my box and enjoying my happiness. I’m enjoying my life….. my job, my teenager, my boyfriend, my family and friends. I’m reminding myself everyday that God is good and he is faithful, always. I’m not dreading the day anymore. I’m anxious to start it. Excited to see what the day holds for me. It sure beats not wanting to wake up. Coming out of the dark is hard, but worth it.