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I’ve been sitting here all day thinking about The Boy. He is growing up, has a girlfriend who is wonderful, driving, doing his own thing. As I think about that, I wonder if I did a good job. Was I, on some level, an emotional burden to him because I never took care of my mental health; because I didn’t have anyone to talk to but him? Has that harmed his mental health? I have tried so very hard to make things so normal from him since he is from a “broken-home”. I think his dad and I have done a fantastic job coparenting. I do not question that; I know that we never talked ill of each other or used him as a weapon. I think that is a testimony all in itself. We have done everything that could have been done to make this “broken-home” normal. But it is still broken, and I’m sure it has affected him. I just wish I knew how. He was 3 when we divorced. He doesn’t even remember us ever living together. It’s been hard, and I’m sure it’s hard been hard for him being shuffled even though we have done our best to make it as easy as possible. I am so worried that there will be some lasting effect of the divorce on him. I am scared that he may feel emotionally neglected, or worse that he is responsible for me. How do I know that he is going to be okay? That I have done everything in my power to make sure that he has had a good childhood, that he has been taken care of emotionally, physically. That he will be able to be a contributing member of society and not need therapy because of me. Therapy is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to be the reason that he had to have it. That I have slighted him in some way because of my mental health. That is my fear. That is what I am currently worried about. Lord knows I pray for him everyday and ask God to protect him and surround him with good friends, to help him make good choices, and to cover him with His feathers. Along with some other things. I pray to be a good mother, a good role model, someone that he knows he can come to with any problem and not have to worry about getting in trouble. That I have taught him how to treat people, women, the elderly, coworkers, classmates, anyone that he is surrounded by. That he can be an advocate for kindness. That kindness is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone else. That it is okay to make mistakes because that is how we learn. How do I know if I have done this? How do I know that he isn’t feeling burdened by me? That he knows that I am responsible for him not the other way around? I am so worried that I haven’t done my job as his mom. That I haven’t been the best version of myself for him; That I was a good mom to him. How will I ever know the answer to any of these questions? Does every mom worry about these things? I know that I am super in tuned to it because of my 2 years of hell as I call it. The worst 2 years of my life, that really tested my mental health and my reluctance to stay in this world at times. How do I know that the worst 2 years of my life aren’t the worst 2 years of his life? Have a damaged his wonderful, sweet, precious soul? I guess there really isn’t anyway to know what damage has or hasn’t been done. These are the questions that keep me up at night…..