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I am a whole person. I have worked really hard on myself the past year and I realized on Sunday, while talking with someone, that I am a whole person. I am not a victim; I am a survivor. Does that mean that I am happy every single day? Absolutely not, I have bad days and dark days, but I know that I am not a half person. I am a whole person. I didn’t realize that until Sunday. I’ve always thought of myself as a non-normalperson. Half of a person. I’ve always tried so hard to be whole, but I don’t’ know of a time in my life that I’ve ever felt whole like I do now. Lots of therapy, lots of reflection, lots of prayer, and the prayers of others for me, have helped me get here. I’m still going to have bad days, sad days, angry days…… but I finally believe that this tooshall pass, and it won’t last forever. I can’t explain the happiness in my heart to be where I am right now. To be the person I am right now. What a revelation!! It has taken me most of my adult life to try and figure out my baggage and how to deal with it. I’m happy for once. Of course, I’ve been happy in other times in my life, but those werefleeting moments. Some lasted longer than others, but they were happy. I am smiling more, now. Even at home, by myself with my fur babies, I find myself smiling. It’s something that I can’t explain. Right now, I am so close to having exactly what I’ve dreamed of, and to be honest, it is absolutely terrifying, some days, I still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I’m learning. Trust has become something that I have to do, but I’m not sure how. The walls that I have are strong, btu they are softening. The question is, should I let them all down? Now that I’m whole, should I jump headfirst and enjoy the moments and days that I have? I’m tired of holding myself back in fear. I feel like that is something that would lessen my wholeness if I kept worrying about it. My trust issues run very, very deep, yet I tend to be all in or not in at all. I have a hard time finding the middle ground. I find that so strange considering the walls that I have. It makes absolutely no sense! As I am continuing to grow and learn to love myself and other’s again, I am trying to believe what I am being told, to accept the kindness that is being given, to not rely on words but to rely on actions. Actions are always better than words. In this time of technology, I’ve become so accustomed to instant response/gratification that it makes me question myself and the other person. Again, abandonment fear creeping in. The devil trying to convince me that I am not good enough, that I am not worthy. I am trying hard to get that little devil off my shoulder and to remind myself that he is a liar. That I am worthy of good things. All things I am working on. I may be a whole person, but I still have lots of work to do.