Page 27

Sometimes words fail me, funny I know, but they do. Sometimes, I can’t think of the right thing to say or wonder if there is a right thing to say. I am a terrible communicator in relationships. I am always afraid that if I express my displeasure, my anger, my fears that the person on the other end will leave. I’m not exactly sure when that fear came into my life, but it’s been there for as long as I can remember. That fear of abandonment and doing everything in my power to keep the people I love in my life at all costs. Obviously, it doesn’t work, hence my divorce, but that is still a thought process I am working through. I am working so hard at teaching myself to relearn behaviors. To not shut down when I feel threatened or embarrassed or criticized. I am a work in progress. I think we all are, but I am more self-conscious of it I think. I know what my flaws are, and I am trying to embrace them. I am trying to work towards bettering myself and becoming a person that I would want to be with. I hate that I am needy. That I need daily, verbal affirmations. I hate that I can’t just take what I feel, what is being shown to me daily and not question if things have changed in that other person’s mind. I think that is one of the things I hate most about myself. That I am not confident to think that someone would want me in their life just because of who I am right now. I always feel like I need to change in some way, but better, talk better, stay quieter, make myself invisible. If I’m invisible maybe they won’t notice my flaws. Even as he is proving to me daily that I am what he wants, I try to downplay it and wonder what I can do to make myself better, more attractive, non-embarrassing. Now mind you, these are all my feelings and not at all things that have been expressed to me. It goes back to 45 years of learned behavior and trying to teach myself to un-learn that behavior. It’s a catch-22 for me. I believe everything I’m told, but when I get away from the situation, I start to question it. Did he really mean it, what if he really doesn’t want me here but doesn’t know how to tell me? What if I actually annoy him? What if, what if, what it……. The what ifs are going to be the death of me. I try so hard not to compare myself to other women. We are all made differently, and we are all exactly how God wants us to be but that doesn’t stop me from comparing myself to other moms. For example, I have a mom friend who happens to be The Boy’s best friend’s mom. She is gorgeous, super thin, all her ducks in a row, someone that doesn’t embarrass her children by the way she looks. I, on the other hand, feel that I am an embarrassment to the boy. Most of the other mom’s are thin and beautiful. And then there is me, not so much. Fat, ugly ugh! I hate feeling this way and questioning myself. I know that the boy doesn’t feel that way, trust me he would say so if he did, he’s never been one to mince his words. I also wouldn’t have a boyfriend to who adores me. Why are we always so much harder on ourselves than other people are on us? Why can’t I take what I know to be fact and not question it? Not wonder if that person really means what they say? Is that something that comes with time or is it that my past has taught me that this is true so I can’t shake it. How do I let go of this insecurity after so many years and not let it ruin something that is supposed to be beautiful, fun, exciting? I don’t have the answers. I don’t think anyone has the answers, but I do know that I am aware of my insecurity, so that makes it easier to actively try and work on. Life isn’t always easy, but in the end, it’s always worth it.