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Today I am feeling very insecure. I have a terrible pit in the middle of my stomach. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because things appear to be going well right now and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing has ever been this easy before, that means it must end, right? Even though things appear to be going in the right direction, they appear to be exactly what I want, that means it’s not what it appears to be, right? This is a feeling I know well, and I absolutely hate it. And I hate myself for feeling this way. What has caused me to feel this way? What has caused me to feel that I don’t deserve good things? Am I always going to feel this way? Am I always going to question the good in my life? Am I always going to assume the worst and overthink everything? How do I break that cycle? I want to enjoy the good, I want to expect good, I want to believe what I am being told, but I am having a hard time doing that today. Nothing has happened any differently than any other day, but for some reason I just can’t shake this terrible feeling. Is this my way of protecting myself? Never believing in the happy ending. Always expecting it to end and my heart to break? Is this something that everyone feels or is it unique to me? Have I finally found the person who can overlook all those flaws and still like me? I feel like I have, but that’s where the overthinking comes in, the constant questioning. I am doing that today. Dissecting every word, every action, every single thing that has been said or done. Nothing indicates bad, except my thoughts and my stomach. At what point will my heart, head, and stomach be in sync? I hate feeling like this, I hate the way it makes me questions everything. I hate it. It makes me sad, it makes me want to crawl into bed and not wake up. It sends me spiraling to the dark cave. It takes the light out. It makes me feel like I am feeling my way along those damp, slimy cave walls, trying to find my way to the light again. Isn’t it crazy how one teeny, tiny nagging thought can change your entire being? I wish I wasn’t like this. I hate myself for this. I hate that I take something that is good and normal and turn it into something else. I don’t know how not to do this. I just want to be normal.