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Why is it so hard for me to believe what someone tells me? To stop always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it because I have had so much happen to me and so many who did not tell me the truth of their feelings/actions? I so badly want to be confident in myself and now take what someone says to be truth if that is their intent, to not question every day if they meant it or to worry that they have changed their mind in some way. How long do you have to be with someone to learn to trust what they tell you and that they mean what they say? I am so confident/believing in the moment, but if it isn’t reinforced the next day and the next day and the next day, I start to question it. That isn’t fair to me, nor is it fair to the person on the other end. As someone who always assumes the worst, this is an area in my life that I really, really need to work on. I guess the question is, how do you deprogram your brain? How do you learn to fully trust again? Is it just a choice we make? I think the “waiting on the other shoe to drop” mentality I put into place to protect myself, to protect my heart? The funny thing is, even with questioning, I still get let down or hurt if it does happen to go the worst way imaginable. You would think that with age, we learn how to totally let things go. We would know what’s important and what’s not. We would be content with our life and to let things that are meant to happen, happen. I feel like that has been true for me in some sense. I feel greatly confidant in areas of my life in regard to my work, my parenting, my job as sister, daughter, aunt, but in the personal sense, I have zero confidence. I do not feel as if I am pretty enough for someone to want to share their life with me, worthy enough to have a partner in my life. I know that I have so much to give, but I don’t feel like that is enough. At what point do we ever truly accept ourselves? Do we ever truly accept who we are and accept our station in life, whatever it may be? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “No one can love you until you love yourself’ or “No one can make you happy unless you make you happy”. I do know that in the past 6-7 months, I feel changed. I feel like I am different, like I am living in the sunlight and not in the dark cave, but I do feel the darkness still, lurking around the corning, waiting to overtake me at any moment. That darkness is the part of my brain that has me questioning the intentions of others. Questioning if they are sincere. As harmless as it seems on my side, I bet it doesn’t feel harmless to the other person. Always being questioned about the feelings/things they have shared. It would be a sign of mistrust on my part. It is not fair to punish someone for the actions of another person, but how do you let go and just be in the moment. I love to say day by day, but I don’t know that I honestly do that in every aspect of my life. I do in a lot of things during my day; getting through work, keeping my spirits up, but in my absolute personal life, I cannot seem to do that. It is going to take a very strong, forgiving, understanding man to handle all my insecurities. To be able to help me trust completely again, although I wonder if that is even possible. It is such a weird feeling. To be in the moment and to trust completely, but to get away from the situation a day later, not getting what I consider to be affirmation and losing all hope/trust in the previous day’s activities. I know that it isn’t fair, and I know that I am really, really hard to love these days, but I ask that you love me anyway; that you try to get to know me and possibly love me at some point should things go that way, that you try to remember as my friend that I am trying so hard every day to change, be better, to learn to trust with my whole heart again, to take things as they come and enjoy it while I’m in the moment.