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Today’s weather is not good, which means my anxiety is not good. I don’t do well in situations I can’t control, and weather is definitely something out of my control. This is one of those times where I turn my worries over to God, but then take them back. I worry and worry and worry and almost make myself sick. My fear of bad weather dates back to my childhood, since before I can remember. I do remember living in Texas and spending many days/nights in either a bathtub covered up with a twin mattress or in the hallway covered up with a mattress. If you ask my mom and dad, they will tell you my fear of weather came when I was about 4-5. I had watched the Wizard of Oz for the first time. That night, as I was going to sleep, I had the radio on. If you remember from earlier posts, you will remember that I hated steeping alone in my room, that I was terrified. One of the compromises we made was that I could sleep with the lights and the radio on. That particular night, I watched the Wizard of OZ, and as I was lying in bed, a “tornado watch” came of the radio. I didn’t know the difference between a tornado watch and a tornado warning at that age, all I knew was that I did notwant to be taken away to another land by a tornado. That instilled in me an unrealistic fear of tornados, but a terrible fear anyway. That night set the stage for how I spent the rest of my life dealing with bad weather. I face it irrationally, which is strange because I realize it is irrational, but cannot figure out how to reconcile that to my anxiety. Since I didn’t realize I had anxiety up until a few years ago, I had no idea that was what was fueling my fear. I remember 2 extremely specific instances in my semi-adult life that I now know I was having panic attacks. The first was in college, don’t fuss mom, and Hurricane Opal was coming through. My stomach started feeling super uneasy, I couldn’t sit still, my thoughts were racing,and I couldn’t calm down, couldn’t contain my nerves. I went to a friend’s house in the neighborhood, and I was manic, I know that now, I didn’t know that then. They thought the best way to deal with me was to give me alcohol (remember college). I never had any alcohol until college, so I couldn’t “handle my alcohol” as they say. I thought they were just giving me orange juice to be honest, but obviously it wasn’t. Anyway, this did not help my anxiety, it actually made it worse, not only was the weather out of control, but I felt out of control and that is not a good feeling for me. As we were sitting on the patio, the tin roof peeled back off the porch and they decided it was time to leave. As we all piled up in the truck to go to a safe place, a tree fell right in front of us, almost on us. I was crying, terrified, no idea what to do, completely out of control in my emotions. We went to our safe place, I of course became tired and went to sleep and woke up in a strange place, surrounded by strange people and my friends had left me behind. I learned a valuable lesson about “friends” and “friendship” that day. It wasn’t a good lesson to learn, but it is what it is. That did not help my lack of love of weather. Flash forward to 2003. I was working in Montgomery but lived in Auburn. They had been forecasting bad weather starting around 5:00. I got off at 5:00 and always made the hour drive back home to Auburn. My then husband was very insistent that I come home at lunch. I was stubborn, I didn’t want to leave work, stupid work ethic, and I got stuck in the worst storm ever. It was hail the size of baseballs coming down on me on the interstate. I was watching back windows being shattered right in front of me. Lightening striking the ground in front of me, tornado warnings being issued for the area I am traveling in. I pulled off the road into gas station, there was water up to my knees in the parking lot. They had the doors locked. I had to beg them to open the door, I was crying, I couldn’t breathe, thankfully they let me in. I spent about an hour in that convenience store trying to calm down and wait for the weather to pass before continuing my drive home. I cannot explain the fear that I felt. I’ve gotten a little better over the years at managing that fear and learning to let go a little bit. I’m not near as anal about safe places and hiding myself in the closet for hours on end. I’m not over my fear my any means, but I am learning to deal with it better. I hope that my experiences with help other people know that yes, it may be out of your control, but it’s not out of God’s control. I hope that no one else feels like this about anything, because it is a terrifying experience. I’m happy to offer any support that I can, please just reach out. As we’re coming out of the dark together, we can help each other.