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I’ve recently gotten back into reading. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. When I was little, younger, teenager, even college, I used it as an escape. For 300-400 pages, I got to live someone else’s life. I got to become someone that I wasn’t. I was able to live out my dreams through their dreams. I was transported back in time, I found the love of my life many times, I was Scottish, Irish, British, French, Royalty, a Servant, I was not me. Not being me was something that I always wanted. I didn’t like me. I didn’t like me on the outside or the inside. In my books, I got to lose myself and become someone else. Someone that everybody wanted to be friends with, someone that guys wanted to date/marry, someone that was fought for, someone other than who I am. I am starting to embrace who I am, and the events in my life that led me to become this person. As I’m sort of coming to an acceptance of the person that I am, I am realizing that I am becoming happier. I am more open to possibilities. I am excited for the day, as opposed to just existing through it. I feel like I am becoming a better mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. Not perfect, but definitely getting better. I never realized how unhappy I was until I got to this point in my life. If you had told me that on July 2, 2021 I was going to be laid off and then become happier, I would have laughed at you. What was one of the worst experiences of my life, turned into a blessing. Isn’t that usually what happens? Something terrible things happens, we’re in the valley, in the cave trying to claw our way out and then when we make it to the hilltop and look down….. we realize if we hadn’t been in that specific valley, we wouldn’t be where we are. So many times in my life I have felt that God has left me. I have been so discouraged and my faith has wavered. I have questioned His love for me. For my family. Life is full of valleys, hilltops and eventually mountains. Does everybody question their faith at some point in their lives? I know quite a few who never did, or never let on that they did. My granddaddy was a preacher for part of his life. Oh how I wish I could have heard him preach! I know that they had really hard time, but they were so giving, so loving, always lending a hand. Granny always took care of people. I remember being told a situation where they took in a young family whose dad was learning to preach and they didn’t have anywhere to stay, so of course Granny and Granddaddy opened their home to them, a family in need. Granny and Granddaddy are my standard for Godliness and faith. It wasn’t flaunted, it didn’t judge, it was pure. It wasn’t necessarily talked about, but you could see it because they lived it. I wonder if in those hard time, did they ever question their faith? Was there ever a situation where they felt alone? Especially Granddaddy. When he went to his dark cave, did he wonder where God was? Or did he just get out his Bible and read? Recall scriptures from years past? Did Granny question it when he was in the dark cave and she was left outside; or did she go into the dark cave with him? They were married almost 60 years before she passed away. They were 2 months shy of that anniversary. I would give anything to have one more conversation with them and ask the questions that matter. To find out how to cope, how to live a good and faithful life despite what’s going on inside your head. Would they have any answers for me? I’m not sure. I want to be my Granny when I grow up. I want to be someone that people look back on and talk about how great she was. My Granny was the standard. My Mama and Aunt come in as close second’s to her, but none have fully lived up to her. Even though there were terrible things, they were always the light for me. Walking the pasture with Granddaddy, fishing at the pond sitting on a five-gallon bucket. Feeing the cows, feeding the fish. Cooking in the kitchen with Granny, helping her plant flowers, working in the garden. And always staying in touch with her siblings. We were all so blessed to have such an extended family that stayed close. I found my best friend in my family. I have so many role models that I can look to and gain knowledge from. So many people don’t have that opportunity. Life has certainly changed with time and since most of the Sister’s have passed on. We all see each other less frequently, but the memories are still there. What a blessing it is that we have memories.