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As I sit here at my desk, alone with just the dogs, I can’t help but wonder if this is how I will spend the rest of my days. Will it always be this way? I certainly hope not, but I think I’m beginning to get to a place where I will be ok if it is. There are things that I miss about having a companion, and there are things I don’t miss. I have always thought of “couple hood” as a fairytale. I even had a fairytale theme for my wedding and look how well that turned out. I of all people know how hard it is in marriage, that it is most definitely not a fairy tale, but that is what I want. Not necessarily the knight in shining armor, I can save myself and have many times over, but someone who thinks I hung the moon would be nice. Someone who made it a point to let me know all the time I was thought about, I was loved, I was xyz. You get the idea. Little reminders. Why is it that those things from other people mean more to us than when we tell ourselves them? And when they do tell us, do we actually believe them or do we brush it off as they’re just being nice. 95% of the time I lead toward the, they’re just being nice. I sometimes wonder what made me that way. What event happened that made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of compliments, worthy of love. Was it some big event I don’t remember, or a bunch of little ones? And I am constantly apologizing. Even for things I have no reason to apologize for. It’s annoying. Not just to me, but to other people. What causes us to constantly apologize? Is it the people pleasing complex we have? The idea that if we keep everyone happy and avoid conflict, we will then be happy? And possibly miss out on the disappointment that inevitably comes. What about the trust you put in people you love, only to be disappointed time and time again because their love isn’t the same as yours? How do we make people love us? Is there a secret that I don’t know about? Is there some magic spell that I need to read? How is it that some people seem to have everything they want, yet it still isn’t enough? The world is a scary place. Everyday, you hear of terrible things happening to people. The war in Ukraine, the children’s hospital being bombed, the families fleeing, praying to get away, I bet they don’t feel love. How do we, as a people, show love to those around us? If we show love to everyone, wouldn’t that in turn make kindness flow like a fountain? How do we show people in times of war that we support the innocent? The ones who have no say in what is happening, but that are being affected the most? The families who are being separated by death and space and war. How scared the children must be. If we can get reporters in, why can’t we get families out? At least the children. Don’t the deserve a chance to live? To go to school, to have a school crush, attend a dance, fall in love at least once. I am so heartbroken over the thought of it. I am also heartbroken over the state of our own country’s children. Too many with no one to love them, to take care of them, left to fend for themselves on the street. How did we get here? How did it turn into this? Does anyone know how to stop it? Is it part of the plan that God has set out for us? Or are we failing him somehow? I go back to what is it that actually makes us feel “loved’? I’m still trying to figure it out. I wish I knew. I thought it might be The Boy, but I feel like I love him way more than he loves me and that is probably true because mothers were born to love their babies. I am a nurturer. I want to take care of people. Everybody, no one somebody in particular. Is everyone looking for their fairy tale? Does it look the same to everyone? I’m not sure. I’m not even sure what my fairy tale looks like anymore. I thought I did, but it blew up, so I’m not sure anymore. I know that life was meant to be lived and I have not been living. I have been limiting myself to my dark cave. The one that the light barely makes it into. I am crawling into the light. I want to be in the light. I’m still learning how. I’m still learning that there are all kinds of love in this world and none of it is lesser than the other. It is all equal. We just have to stop criticizing ourselves and open ourselves up to it. A quote was shared with me that says “I hate thinking okay let me show less love, let me not care so much. I hate that feeling. I should never have to feel that way. My purest form is loving hard, and caring hard, and nurturing hard and those are not negatives.” It’s true, there is nothing wrong with being compassionate and loving and nurturing and kind. I think we need more of those people. Show kindness to someone today, they probably need it.