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I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately. Not in an obnoxious way, but in a discovering myself way. As I’ve started this blog, I’ve learned a lot of things about myself that I guess I had hidden or locked away. When I was in high school, I remember being bubbly, funny, nurturing, fun! Somewhere along the way, I lost sight
of that. Lost sight of who I was. The depression and anxiety were there, but I didn’t know what it was. It didn’t seem to affect my life too much. I do remember getting terrible headaches after an event. Like the end of the football game, the end of the softball game. I now know that was my anxiety. As I got older, I think I tried to deny that part of myself. When I went to Auburn, I just wanted to fit in. I never thought I was pretty, every, so I would do things that I thought would make me “pretty”. Clothes, hair, shoes, that type of stuff. None of it really made me feel better about myself, but I thought it might help me fit in. I’ve never felt like I fit in with anyone. I’ve always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I’m not sure why I felt that way. I will probably never know, but I still feel that way. I am trying to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with me, that I do fit in, I am normal. I have stepped out of my comfort zone to try online dating. I am using Facebook dating because it’s free, but you have to describe yourself and make a profile. It was so hard for me to describe myself. Who am I? What am I? What sets me apart? Let me just say that it was very hard. I probably won’t use it long because I get fed up with the craziness of it and delete it. But I mention that because I’m terrible at talking about myself. How do I describe me? I have no idea. I through some stuff in there, but it really got me thinking about who I am and who I want to be. I want to be someone that you can call when you have an emergency. I want to be someone who is kind to everyone. I want to be a hard and ethical employee. I want to be the best mom that I can, balancing discipline with relationship. I want to be someone who can talk to anyone. I have gotten much better this baseball season. I have ventured out and talked to people and it’s not as bad I thought. It still makes me anxious, but it is so nice to walk into the stadium or field and have everyone tell you hello or smile at you. I am a work in progress. I say that all the time, and now, I’m finally starting to make some progress. I wonder if everyone feels like they don’t fit in at some point in their lives. If they feel like they are on the outside in? As I start putting stuff down, I am learning more and more about myself. I’m learning what little things made me react the way I do, what happened that caused that reaction. It’s actually quite helpful. Life is so hard, and we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. God made each of us different, but in His image. I hope that one day, I will look at myself and see what He sees. What other’s see. Wouldn’t be nice if we could “preview” ourselves from another’s point of view? I see so many good qualities in so many people, but they don’t’ see it. I have so many people that I look up to. That I aspire to be like. Most of them are family members, but they are strong and courageous women. They have been through Hell and back, but they are still smiling and living their lives. What’s their secret? I would love to know. I can’t help but focus on the negative. I get it in my head, and it won’t go away. I want to be like my aunts. I want to be a Woman that the younger generation will look at and say she was a strong woman. She handled everything that was thrown at her with grace, with compassion for others, with a firm but gentle hand. That I was there when I was needed. Do you ever wonder what people will say about you at your funeral? I think about that. I think about would anybody show up. Would anyone even notice. These are the thoughts I’m trying to get rid of. Not just pushing them out of the box but pushing them out forever. I have a planner where everyday of the week I have written a positive affirmation about myself. I keep it on my desk so that I can see it. I hope that people see some of my Granny in me. I hope that I have inherited all the wonderful qualities that are floating around in my family. I hope that I will be at least half the woman that these women are. I hope that I can be as calm as my mom. She never raises her voice, she hardly ever gets angry, and she is always there. Maybe one day, I can live up to those that have gone before me.