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I had started writing this morning about music. In the process, I received some not so great news and deleted the writing. I love music. It’s one of my love languages. It can say things better than I can sometimes. It can speak to my soul and my heart as nothing else can. I remember being in church when I was little and watching Granny and Granddaddy sing along as I was in the choir. When in college, I would go dancing a lot and sing karaoke. When I hear any of those songs, it takes me back to those old friends, to certain situations, happy and sad memories. As I was sitting here, and I got the news, my thoughts took a different turn. They went down a road of not being able to control a situation or its’ outcome. Of feeling completely helpless to help those that I am so worried about. Trying to make decisions to travel or not to travel with current restrictions that are in place. With my anxiety, I do not handle this lack of control well. It eats away at me. It causes me extreme distress. I can be strong, I can handle it, but on the inside, that’s a different story. I know that ultimately, I have no control over anything, only God does. I can’t predict or change the future. But for the most part, I can convince myself of a sense of being in control. When things come that I can’t control, weather, sickness, other people’s reactions, that’s when things get really bothersome for me. That’s when I feel as if the ball of yarn is about to start unraveling. I hid it well, but there is no greater anxiety to me that being out of control. Do other’s feel this way? Is this specific to anxiety? This feeling of panic? I know that there is still worry and despair and sadness, but is it as poignant as it is for me? Does anyway do well in situations that they cannot control? With anxiety and overthinking, things that I am not in control of are enough to absolutely break me. I am in a state of distress. A constant state of panic. Trying to decide what to do when there really isn’t anything to do. I do have medicines that I can take that do help some. It slows my heat rate which helps with my breathing and usually can cut off an actual panic attack. This isn’t long today, I’m kind of in a state of uncertainty so I will end with I appreciate any and all prayers that you can send to my family right now.