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I am a terrible friend. I mean, I’m a great friend, I love hard, I would do anything for those that I love and call friends, but I am terrible at sustaining that relationship. I get so sucked into my own cave, that I can barely see out sometimes. I would rather be home than go out. Honestly, I love when I go out but it absolutely exhausts me. Even a simple dinner, just does me in. I’m sure that’s my anxiety. Having to fight that the whole time I am out. I don’t know why. I love my friends, I love spending time with them, but being home is so comfortable. No one to put on airs for. None of my friends ask me to put on said airs, but I feel like I must if I want them to continue being my friend. I feel like I’m being judged in everything, from the way I dress, to my makeup, to my hair to the way I speak. All things that they don’t care about, but the little devil on my shoulder tells me they do. That little devil pretty much runs my life. I don’t know how to make him shut up. The whole process of getting out is exhausting. I wonder if my friends understand that about me. Understand how exhausting it is to just gear myself up to go out somewhere. Even a dinner date. The only person I can truly make myself do something for is The Boy. It’s still exhausting and I still feel judged, but I can do anything for him. Why does life seem so hard for some and so easy for others? Are they just that good at pretending or is it really that easy for them? Does everyone feel sick to their stomach’s when they think someone is upset or mad at them? Or that they have done something wrong? If I think that someone is angry at, upset with, disappointed in me I get so sick to my stomach. I just can’t describe the feeling that I feel. It’s another reason I disconnect so easily, I can’t handle that feeling of disappointment/rejection. That feeling of not being good enough. I know that people make mistakes and I know that no one is perfect, but perfection is what I expect from myself. If I’m not perfect, no one will love me or they will stop loving me. I can’t explain it. How I feel inside. The absolute chaos that goes on inside me when I think that I have done something that isn’t perfect. Currently dealing with something involving work that I know I did properly but the client is not telling the truth. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel like I didn’t do something right when I know I did exactly what I was supposed to do. This is why I disconnect. I don’t know how to handle this feeling. I don’t know how to process it and let it go. I feel that way with everything in my life. Everything that doesn’t go as I have planned for it to go, I have a hard time processing; of letting it go. I spend the rest of the day/night/week trying to make it up to whoever I think I’ve wronged. It is especially bad when I know the person that is making me feel like that isn’t telling the truth. I know that I can’t control what other people say and do, but it does bother me and makes me feel like I need to continue explaining myself to prove that I didn’t do anything wrong. How do you make right what you know you didn’t do wrong? That is the million-dollar question, isn’t it? I hate that about myself. I hate that I let one little thing ruin an entire day, week, weekend for me. I hate that I am not one of those people who can just brush it off and go on with my life. I hate that other people’s opinions matter so much to me. You would think after all these years, I would know better. And I do know better. I preach it to everyone else in my life, my nieces, nephews, son, friends, family……. I just can’t do it for myself. I can’t let that part of my brain heal itself. I don’t know how to heal that part of my brain. I do know that every single day, I wake up and try to be a better person than I was the day before. I try to excel at anything that is thrown my way. I try to give out kindness and compassion to everyone I come in contact with. I try my absolute best to be a good person, a person that other people want to be around and want to be friends with. I realize that my friendship follow through is lacking, but I do try. I try so hard and I do not know how to not be the way that I am. I don’t know how to de-program my mind. Just know, that if I am your friend and I can’t follow through, it’s all me. I will work on it, I promise. Just stick with me a little longer.