This has been one of those weeks where I feel like I am chasing my tail. It feels as if I am constantly behind. I haven’t overslept, I haven’t been late to work, I’m just rushed, anxious, unable to feel at peace. It has been like this for a few days. I feel like every nerve I have is on the outside of my body. I’m short-tempered and impatient. This is one of those days where I am the absolute worst version of myself. I do my best to act normal and be how I always am, but inside, I am a ball of nerves. I feel manic in a sense. I’m more easily irritated. I hate this feeling!! I don’t really know how to handle it. It happens occasionally, and each time I wonder how to fix it or more importantly, what causes it. Do people without depression/anxiety deal with these types of feelings? My depression runs deep, as does my anxiety. I take medications daily that help tremendously, and I have no idea how anyone could be around me before I found the right medicine combination for me. It took some time, but I am finally straight, almost normal even. I guess this is more about “normal” people. Do you have days where you feel like me? Days that you feel like you are going to jump out of your skin. That you become more irritable that usual? That your brain is running a million miles a minute and you can’t make a coherent thought. All the boxes that you’ve closed and hidden away all seem to open at one time and each one is trying to talk over the others. It’s quite deafening. As I think back on my younger self, this has been a common feeling for me, I just couldn’t understand it. So many times, in my life, I’ve felt disconnected from the present, but connected to the side. They say that some people, especially Empaths, can use their sixth sense to feel things and see things, etc. Now, no I don’t believe in ghosts or paranormal entities, but I do believe that if we can tap into that sixth sense, we can be privy to information that others can’t see/hear/feel. I can’t tell you how many times I have dreamed something, and it came true. Good things and bad things. Do you know how weird and scary it is to be sitting in a situation that you’ve already been in and already know the outcome? Some people call it Déjà vu. I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely strange. It is terrifying if I’m being honest. It doesn’t help that fact that it adds to my anxiety. It sends my brain into warp speed but slows down all at the same time. It feels almost like the Matrix if you’ve ever seen that movie. That’s why my brain does when this feeling occurs. I’m always hoping that it doesn’t happen. I can’t control it when it does, but it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. That makes me feel like an outcast, I certainly don’t talk about it. Do other people have this same feeling? Do others understand what that feels like? How do we, as a community and society, help people like me? If I knew that answer to that I would be a billionaire. I’m always struggling with the feelings inside my head/body and how they relate to my faith. There seems to be such a disconnect. Like the 2 really don’t have a place to be together. Like they can co-exist. I know that they can, I am proof, but I do wonder if anyone has figured out the secret to making them coexist peacefully. They certainly don’t coexist peacefully in my mind. They are at constant war. The angel on one shoulder the devil on the other. One telling you to let go and trust and the other telling you that you are worthless and insignificant to this world. Isn’t that an age-old problem? Everyone fighting that inner demon. The one that has the power to turn a believer into a non-believer. I know that my mental health exasperates it for me and yet I still don’t know how to control it. I still don’t know how to “Let Go and Let God”. The urge to hold on to that shred of control is just too strong some days. Why is it that I need to feel that control? What happened to me that made me believe that if I let go of control my world would end? That the world would stop spinning. That in my mind, I would literally die. Does everyone struggle with this feeling? I am a planner. I am not a fly by the seat of my pants person. I’m not sure I ever have been. I do not procrastinate, I don’t plan by the hour, but if for some reason, we don’t leave for our adventure at the time I intended to leave, my day is pretty much ruined. I don’t know why. I wish it wasn’t that way, I wish I could be more like my best friend. Wake up, make a decision and fly with it no matter what. That seems so much easier than how I live my life. You know what else is easier, following through with plans. I am terrible at follow through. I want to, so bad. I am so excited to make those dinner plans with friends I haven’t seen in forever, yet when that day actually gets here, I am so nervous and anxious of what they will think of me, or too anxious to want to leave the house, that I cancel. Sometimes legitimately, but other times not. I’m not proud of it, it’s extremely embarrassing to be honest, but I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to change that part of me. I don’t know how to get out of my own head. How to un-isolate myself from my own prison. I try so very hard, each and every day, but most days, I completely fail. I feel that I am failing at life. I feel like I can do nothing right. I feel guilty if I do something for myself, because I should be doing for other people. I’ve recently started hearing the phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and I do believe that. I also believe that people think I’m a terrible person/mom if I do things for myself. I have lived so long with all this bottled up inside, I sometimes wonder how I’ve done it. And most importantly, why I care what other people think. When I figure it out, I will let you know.
Coming out of the Dark 