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Vulnerability – the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. Does anyone else feel physically ill at the thought of being vulnerable? For me, being vulnerable makes me feel like I am failing. I should already know things, right? Already be confident. I know that vulnerability is directly linked to emotional health and the ability to love. If you’ve been reading along, or know me personally, you know that I am not emotionally healthy. I am an emotional mess. I feel too deeply, I love too deeply, I hurt too deeply, I feel failure too deeply. Everything I feel is always magnified by 100. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work. I don’t mind asking for help if I don’t know something, but if I have found out I have done something wrong, oh my goodness. I feel physically sick to my stomach. I want to cry. Now, my rational brain knows that I am not perfect, that I am going to make mistakes, but my irrational brain always thinks the person who stumbled across my mistake will think I’m unintelligent, that I shouldn’t have this job, that they don’t want to have to correct my mistakes. I am the world’s worst overthinker. I overthink every single thing in my life. I overthink everything someone says to me, I overthink the response that I want to send. It is actually really sad. As I start writing things down, I’m trying to find the root of the problem, but I have no idea what that could even be. I feel like it started from birth. I don’t remember every being any other way. I remember always caring what other people thought. I don’t know why, I don’t know what happened that made it matter to me, but for as long as I can remember I have cared what other people think. Believe me, at my age, I know how stupid that is. I try every single day to remind the boy that what other people think is none of his business, but I can’t live that myself. For me, the worst punishment there could ever be isdisappointment. If I thought that you were mad or disappointed in me, I felt sick to my stomach. I would do whatever it took to make you happy again. And I still do that. I can’t not do that. I can’t help but feel responsible, even if I didn’t do anything. I am constantly apologizing, for everything. Even things that don’t require an apology. I have been single for 12 years now, and I have been told by several guy friends that the reason no one wants to date me is because I have no confidence in myself, I overthink, and I apologize constantly. Seems to me I am doomed. These are all inherent traits that I have. I don’t know how to change them. My life is so lonely, yet I don’t have what it takes to change the things that need to change. Shouldn’t there be someone out there that accepts those flaws and loves me anyway? I don’t know why I’m so hard to love. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Maybe one day, I’ll learn how to stop hating myself. Maybe one day, I will become the person that everyone needs me to be. I’ll learn to be actually happy instead of pretending. I miss having someone to share my life with. Having someone help me make huge life decisions. Someone to comfort me when the world feels like it’s closing in on me. Instead, I’m drowning, in the ocean, treading water every single day. I don’t know how to change. I’m tired. I’m tired of people telling me to snap out of it. To get over it. Do you know how many people have said to me, you’ve been divorced 12 years now, you should be over it. I’m curious if those people have ever endured the pain I have endured. Have they had their dreams crushed? I am over my divorce; I am best friends with the boy’s dad. Doesn’t mean that certain situations don’t bring up that hurt and pain and lack of confidence. The sense of failure. I feel extremely bad because I depend on my dad so much. I shouldn’t be doing that at my age. He gave me away, to someone else to take care of, and that someone else is me. I do take care of myself. I am strongly independent, and I am financially independent. I am not emotionally independent. I feel vulnerable every single day. I feel judged every single day. I feel like I am failing at something every single day. Maybe one day, none of this will even matter. Until then, I am just me.