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Baseball season is here. The boy has been playing since he was 4. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love it because watching him do what he loves brings me such joy. Seeing him interact with his friends, the comradery, the teamwork, it is such a joy to watch. It does my heart so good to know that he has friends, good friends. Friends who will be there for him and who will help him through the tumultuous high school years. Here’s where the hate comes in…… I must be social. I must put on my smile and go out in public. I love the parents on this team. They are such great people; they cheer for my boy as I would. They take pictures with good camara’s and share them with me. I couldn’t ask for anything more. Except I feel as if I don’t fit in. I feel like I’m sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean, and everyone else is on the island that’s 500 miles away. I am no longer good at making friends. I’m no longer good at walking up to complete strangers and introducing myself. If I’m asked it’s ok, but I’m not good at doing the asking. All the other mom’s, they know each other, they know each other’s names, they all carpool each other’s kids, they have a connection I am not privy to. We do not live in any of the neighborhoods they live in, so the boy never had an opportunity to carpool His dad and I always got him where he needed to be. I don’t think he missed out on anything by that, I enjoyed the extra time with him and am extremely thankful that his dad and I have been in a position to do that. I do think it has hindered my involvement. I feel like I am in a different class than everyone else. I don’t think that has hurt the boy, at least I hope it hasn’t, but I do feel that it has hindered relationships on my part. I am so insecure and awkward now. When did that happen? When did I turn into this person who sat on the bleachers by herself for baseball games without interacting with others? Without other’s interacting with her because they all already knew each other. The loneliness I feel at the ballfield is so palpable. I sit there, on my bleacher, by myself, and cheer for my boy. If nothing else, he always knows I’m there. So, here’s the big question…… with me not being as “social” as everyone else, am I harming him in some way? Am I causing him to be excluded from things that he would otherwise be apart of? Am I an embarrassment to him because the other parents don’t really want to have anything to do with me? Why do I not know hardly any of the boys on the team? In little league, I was allowed and able to go to every practice, able to be hands-on, now, practice is during working hours. Most activities are for players only, not parents. Am I failing somehow? Am I doing something wrong? I am the most uninvolved I’ve ever been, and I don’t really know how to change that. I want to be involved. I want to know the boys; I want to not have to look at my roster when they are batting or make a good play on the field. I want to be able to know that already. There are so many things in my life that make me feel like a failure. This is a big one. I feel like I have let the boy down in some way. I am pretty much at every game, on the top bleacher, by myself cheering, but am I harming him by not being good enough? By having this anxiety of being in a crowd. Of being afraid to try for fear of rejection. How did I get here? If you talk to anyone who when to high school with me, I talked to everybody, I was somewhat of a social butterfly. Was I compensating back then, or was I comfortable because I had known them all my whole school life? Does anyone have any answers? How can I be better, do better, love better, fail less? The highlight of my life is my boy. He is my greatest accomplishment, but am I his biggest regret? His biggest failure? How do we know if we are doing a good job with our kids? If we are a help and not a hindrance to them? I know I’m not his friend, and I don’t want to be, my job is to teach him to be a contributing human being, right from wrong, morality and ethics. I also don’t want to be a bad mother. I want him to have all the experiences he should have, and I don’t want to be an embarrassment or a hindrance to him because I am socially awkward these days. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe this year, I will find my courage.