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Back to square one.  I want to give up.  I want to completely walk away from everything.  It hurts…….So bad , and there appears to be no end in sight.  How do you deal with pain day in and day out?  I feel so unwanted.  Do I add value to anyone’s life?  Does anyone want me around?  I feel like the answer is a definitive no.  Always on the outside looking in.  Trying to belong.  Like the little girl on the playground wanting someone to ask her to join in or to be their friend.  You would think life gets easier as adults.  You see all this social media about inclusivity, body positivity, love each other, be there for each other, but who is there for us really?  Happiness is a state of mind.  It is a place we can go and visit our happy memories.  A lot of times, my happy memories make me sad.  They make me wish for a different outcome.  It’s a catch-22.  Wanting a different life, but knowing that if I have a different life I wouldn’t have Carter.  I want to wake up, happy and excited to face the day.  I want to know that there is someone who loves me.  I know I talk a lot about love, but it’s because I do not feel loved.  I hate that feeling. It is dark, black, cave-like, so dark that you have to run your hands across the cave walls to keep your bearings.  You’re constantly searching for that glimmer of light, only to never see it.  Yet you keep searching.  Falling on your knees and crying out for help, yet never receiving it.  Then you stand back up, find the wall, and continue to make your way through the cave.  It’s slimy, and wet, and terrifying, but is it more terrifying than waking up everyday and feeling the same thing?  Do you give up?  Do you keep going?  You walk through that cave day in and day out, alone, with no one to guide you.  Maybe that is your punishment for the sins of your life.  Maybe that dark cave is what you deserve for the things you’ve done in your life.  But shouldn’t being a good person override all of the bad?  And what is considered bad?  We have all fallen short of the glory of God, we will all continue to fall short of the glory of God.  I think being a good person is important.  Life is full of bad people.  People who do things that you can’t even fathom and you wonder why they have no remorse.  Why they can do those things, then you think, am I the same as them?  My life is one big mess.  It probably doesn’t look like it from the outside, but on the inside, it is just one big ball of yarn slowing unraveling.  If the slightest string is unraveled, the whole thing, me, will fall apart.  I can’t remember the last time I completely fell apart.  I’ve cried, I’ve been sad, but I haven’t let myself fall apart.  I’m afraid if I do let myself fall apart, I will never be able to put myself back together again.  I feel invisible.  Like no one really knows I am here.  Like a ghost that people just walk through.  Haunting my own life with my own memories.  Life is funny that way.  We walk around in our own heads and our own space, constantly overthinking every thought, decision, sentence, everything that someone else says.  If someone say’s I’m pretty, do they really mean it?  Or are they just being nice?  Then you go back into your dark, lonely cave.  The only place you feel welcome.  The light feels too bright, to fake, but the cave, it feels like home.  A dark, lonely home, but home nonetheless.  It’s sad that the cave feels like home.  It’s sad that the darkness feels comfortable and the light feel uncomfortable…. Foreign even, as though your eyes will never adjust to it’s brightness.  In the dark, you can see, maybe that’s because it’s what you know.  When your life has been lived in the dark for a majority of the time, your eyes become accustomed to it.  You still have to use the slimy wall to make your way through the dark, but you aren’t scared.  In fact, this is where your feel your bravest, your strongest.  Everyone wants to know how you do it.  How do you keep going?  How do you exist in the dark?  My question is teach me how to exist in the light.  It seems so much happier in the light.  Teach me how to do that.  Teach me to live without barriers, how to love openly with no fear, to realize that love is deserved by all.  Everyone deserves to feel loved, however that looks for them.  Everyone except me, that is.  I’m not sure I deserve anything.  When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right?  What a stupid metaphor.  Is the glass half full or half empty?  Why does it matter?  It is however it makes you feel.  People act like you can change your feelings on a dime.  It’s a lot harder than that.